© Fewlas Entertainment and Magnolia Pictures, 2014.
Warning:  massive Spoilers, because i can’t even with this movie (Also, it’s more of a rant than a review)

Information:


Runtime: 87 minutes
Production: Fewlas Entertainment
Distribution: Magnolia Pictures

Director: Leigh Janiak
Writers: Phil Graziadei, Leigh Janiak
Stars: Rose Leslie, Harry Treadaway, Ben Huber

Synopsis:


Young newlyweds Paul and Bea travel to remote lake country for their honeymoon. Shortly after arriving, Paul finds Bea wandering and disoriented in the middle of the night. As she becomes more distant and her behavior increasingly peculiar, Paul begins to suspect something more sinister than sleepwalking took place in the woods.

Via imdb

Review:


Okay, so I watched Honeymoon a while back (before my hospitalization), but it’s still been lingering at the edges of my mind – more with a what the fuck sort of connotation than anything else. You’ll have to pardon my lack of screenshots, as my Shudder account has lapsed and because of current going-ons (including surgery within the next two weeks), I haven’t had the chance to resubscribe – though I desperately want to.

I don’t really have a huge gripe with the characters in this one. The acting isn’t what bothered me; rather it was the plot. I don’t do so well with WTF moments when they seem to be way out of the ballpark and that appears to be the case here.

Honeymoon is a romantic horror – if such a genre even exists. I mean, you’ve got this newlywed couple set up in a beautiful, rustic cabin in the middle of the woods. (It even has a VCR!) Anyways, wife goes off in middle of the night, claims to be sleepwalking, but oddly enough earlier in the film we meet a childhood friend. From there, things spiral out of control. Paul tries to confront Bea, but she’s all hush-hush about what is going on with her. Turns out, alien things are involved and that, my friends, is where the movie lost me. Well, between that and the marks that show up on Bea’s inner thigh, which makes it all too obvious what really happened to her.

Of course, Paul continues to play dumb for a while. At least, until he finds Bea in the bathroom stabbing her cooch over and over. Because apparently this is something a person would do. I mean, I totally would(n’t). This… I honestly don’t know why I was still watching at this point. Normally I’d have turned to something more intriguing, but you know when you simply can’t pull your eyes away? Yeah, that happened here and let me tell you, the next scene in the movie… just no. Nope.

Unrealistic to a fault and fucked up beyond measure, Paul shoves his arm up in there, and yanks out what Bea is so desperately trying to pull out. Because… ANATOMY boys and girls. This movie, seriously, crosses into animated porn territory, complete with fisting and pulling worm-like beings out of a woman. I just… no. It’s not even hot.

The conclusion of the film? Stereotypical false happy-ending bullshit that you see in a lot of horror movies. Someone survives, or so it seems, and then of course at the last minute the bad guy goes for the kill. I honestly have not been able to simply let this one out of my mind. It’s just hovered there, like an itch you can’t quite reach, and I’m hoping this little tirade will finally give me the freedom from it I need. Yet somehow, we’ve got semi-decent ratings on Rotten Tomatoes for this film.

Rating: 💀